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This is our MM "On-Line Sally" SECTION. Each month

Sally will give out advice to some of our readers.

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E-Mail On-Line Sally at: PressRelease2000@AOL.COM


Dear On-Line Sally,

I have a problem with my boyfriend, Bill. We dated for a while when he lived next door to me. He told me that we might get married someday. Now that I am 34 years old, I can hear that biological clock ticking. The problem is that he lives in Minnesota, and has lived there for the last 8 years. We talk on the phone and send e-mail back and forth to each other.

Although I have dated a few guys over the last 8 years that he has been out of state, I cannot stop thinking about him. He has never made the effort to come back to Indiana to visit me in person. I still have the feeling that he has not stopped caring for me. Bill is a CPA with a big accounting firm out there. He always says that he is working all the time and cannot take a few days off to come back to Indiana to visit me.

Am I wrong in thinking that someday we might get back together again? I hear from him about once or twice a week by e-mail or phone. Should I move out to Minnesota so that we can see each other again? I do not want him to think I am desperate, but I can think of no other way to get him to see me again. The only problem is that if I do that, I will be leaving my family and friends behind in Indiana. I also have a great job working for the state of Indiana here. I do not think I could ever get another job that pays as well in Minnesota.

He says he has not been dating anyone over there because he works 70 hours a week, and in his free time he plays basketball with his friends.

What should I do? I feel that if I wait too long I will never be married and have kids.

Signed -

Unlucky In Love

Dear Unlucky in Love...

Although you sign your letter "Unlucky in Love," you obviously are "Lucky in Friendship"; for that's what you have in Bill...a friend. For 8 years since his move, you've kept connected. You are his anchor to Indiana. But honey, that doesn't mean you can't sail the waters. You said he has never made the effort to come back to Indiana to visit you, but he calls you and e-mails you regularly. Many adults feel they can't be just friends with the opposite sex, when that just isn't true. And it seems you are now just friends with Bill.

Relationships change over time. If you feel you'd like to keep your friendship with Bill, keep it. There is nothing like a good friend. But, if he has led you on to believe there is more, without ever having come "home" to Indiana, talk about your relationship and what it means to you. Start dating, if only to find out how wonderful it can be, to be treated as a significant other in a relationship. You may find other friends out there - and that's fine too! But when you find that special someone, you'll know it.

You won't want to be that far away from his arms for long.

Don't spend anymore time waiting. You're worth it. Let someone else know you're worth it too.

Signed....

On-Line Sally


Dear On-Line Sally,

I'm a fairly new single mom, i.e,, my kid's father and I have been separated just a little under a year. It was my idea to separate. After two separate episodes of adultery (on his part, not mine) and just generally not being able to coexist, I decided one day I'd had enough.

Anyway - I'm finding that even after almost 12 months, I'm still experiencing feelings of guilt, uncertainty and confusion regarding my decision to break-up the family.

I know a couple shouldn't stay together simply because of the children but sometimes I think that just maybe that IS a good enough reason. I continuously doubt whether or not I'm doing the "right" thing by not being with their father and am always worried about what sort of impact my decision is going to have on the rest of their lives.

Am I being too hard on myself? 

Thanks,

Carmen

Dear Carmen:

I can't tell you how quickly I wanted to answer this letter!! Deciding to break up a marriage is a very serious thing - something that I know you didn't take lightly; especially where your children come in! If there are feelings of guilt and uncertainty, I HOPE they were on your ex's mind as well! To make a mistake once is bad enough... To make the decision on his part to go twice behind your back was his decision to break-up your marriage, not yours (in my opinion).

And yes, that does have an impact on your children's lives - but it should actually have a positive impact down the road. Speaking from experience, you are showing your children what it means to have respect for a loved one, for two people in a relationship, that although things may not always turn out the way you want them, they will turn out, good or bad. You have taught your kids so much more. Give your children credit, for they may know more than you think. Try to get along with your ex, (even if just for the kids sake) because ...parents are forever. To manipulate the loving feelings your children have for both mom and dad would be ruthless. Try to keep your feelings about him to yourself.

As they get older, your children will realize the whys and hows of why things happened the way they did. It will also allow them to know that we all have the right to good relationships. As for you in the future, the children as they grow up, and even the rat (oops!) may also learn those profound answers someday. 

You Go Girl!

Best Wishes...

On-Line Sally


Dear On-Line Sally,

I talk to this man on line and on the phone. We have been talking for about four months. I really do like him and he says he likes me. Well he wants to meet me. I want to meet him to but I am scared we might not hit it off in person well and I am also scared that we will.

I just got burnt real bad by a man and I do not think I am ready for this. I am in my stage where I do not think love is real and that it is a big hope everyone has. Well I told this to Greg (the guy I like alot) and he told me it is real and to ask someone for advice. So could you please tell me if you think I should meet him.

Confused in Indiana

Dear Confused in Indiana: 

Starting a relationship is never easy; especially when you've just ended on a bad note with the guy you feel 'burnt' you pretty badly. After four months of talking with this new guy Greg on-line, and on the phone, you probably have a good idea of likes, dislikes, people, music, and that sort of thing.

Meeting someone for the first time is always a little scary. Yep. We tend to think since we 'talk' so much on-line and get a little comfortable and casual with our fellow on-line buddies that everything they say is so. NOT SO! "As a matter of fact you only know what people tell you; it's up to you to access the rest." (That's advice from my high school English teacher.)

Have you talked to his family or friends on the phone too? Roommates? Have you talked to him at work? Does he work? What are his hobbies? Is he joined to any organizations, groups, clubs, etc? If you know the answers to any of these, well then, you've already done your homework.

But we're human, and people (for the most part) will always put their best foot forward on that first date. It takes time to see if you really can make a go of it. So if you are willing, and if you want to take a chance on a possible good thing... meet this Greg in a public place. It might not be a bad idea for you to bring along a friend or two. You may find that foot you put forward taking you right out the door and running you back to your car! OR...you just may find out that good things come to you when you are not looking. Trust needs to earned. The only way you can do that is to take a chance. I would think that maybe Greg might feel the same way.

Starting out as friends can be a good thing; then see if there's any chemistry. If not, well, then you've got another friend. Just make sure your friend will back off if you feel the need. 

P.S. Let me know what YOU decide! 

On-Line Sally


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