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Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!"
The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.
Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!"
And once again the battle was on. The Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, however this time more casualties occurred. Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?"
The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid...
The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!"
A little boy was staying at his grandma's house and in the morning decided that even though he didn't know how, he would make her a cup of coffee. He was very proud of himself and poured the coffee into a cup. Grandma came downstairs and much to her surprise was her grandson with a freshly brewed cup of coffee.
"I made this just for you, grandma," he said with a big smile on his face. "Taste it and you'll see how good it is!"
Well, grandma took a sip. This was by far the worst cup of coffee she had ever had, but smiled at her grandson. She took another sip and noticed three little plastic green army guys at the bottom of her cup. "Why are there little army guys in the bottom of my coffee cup?" she asked.
Her grandson quickly replied, "Why, grandma, it's just like on t.v.---the best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!" 
The Pope comes to America. Of course, he's very busy. Masses, rallies, dinners, events, etc. For security, he has the same limo driver daily. One evening at a banquet, he sees a chance to sneak away unnoticed. He goes out back, finds his limo, knocks on the window and finds the driver lounging in the rear seat eating a huge sandwich with his feet up on the seat. Driver: Your holiness! I'm so sorry. Where can I take you? Forgive me! Pope: Sit, eat, my son. Truthfully, I'd like to take the car for a drive. I'm the Pope, and everything is done for me. I've never driven an automobile. Please allow me. Driver: certainly, your holiness. Let me assist. Pope: Sit, my son. Finish your dinner. The Pope begins to drive. Naturally, he is not very good at it as he has never done this before. After hitting several parked cars, lamp posts, and stop signs, He is pulled over by a state trooper. The police man gets out of his cruiser, approaches the driver's window and knocks. The Pope lowers the window, Trooper eyes the scene and retreats to his cruiser. Immediately, he grabs his cell phone and phones the governor. Trooper: Governor, this is state trooper Wilson. I've just pulled over the most important person in the world for a serious traffic violation but I don't know what to do. Gov: Who do your have there? Clinton? I will speak to the White House Chief of Staff. I'll straighten this out. Trooper: No, it's not Clinton. It's the most important person in the world! Gov: Well, who do you have? The UN Secretary General? I will speak to one of those UN guys. Diplomatic immunity is a very sacred thing you know. Trooper: No, no. I've already told you. Its the most important person in the world. Gov: Dammit, Wilson, who the hell did you pull over? Trooper: I have no idea, but he's sittin' in the back seat of a limo, eating a sandwich and the Pope is his driver! (By: Sumner Schwarz)
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